Love Letter #4 to No One in Particular
So I was thinking today about whether I would rather conduct or be conducted- not in an electrical way like with copper, but in an orchestral way, like with those batons. Come to think of it, the electrical and the musical do have quite a bit to do with one another- though I'm not sure about train conductors... Either way, my gut feeling, is that I'd rather be conducted than conduct, but only if you were a good conductor, and by good I don't necessarily mean musically proficient. Instead, I mean that you would exercise a great deal of joy and fanfare in your conduction of me. I'd want you to bob your head significantly and wave your arms wildly. I'd want you to sway in a mesmerizing way as well, a little like a flamingo on a day with a breeze. Wow, as a side note, I just realized I've never used the word conduction before. I think it sounds very serious. In any case, if you did conduct me in such a way, I believe I would like it. I think there are probably some youtube videos you could watch in advance to increase your gestural repertoire- that is, if you really had within you the intention to go for this thing I'm suggesting full-throttle. I'm sorry to say this, but I just don't know if you're brave enough to really commit to something so daring and so, come to think of it, perhaps it would make more sense if I were the one to conduct. This is my idea after all. As a child, I pretended to be a conductor quite often, employing pencils from my desk drawer or twigs I found in the forest preserve across the street from the house I grew up in, as batons. I think what was so appealing about doing this was that it was, more or less, a sanctioned way of participating in classical music without having to be a ballerina or having to put in the time and effort required to learn to play an actual musical instrument. I could just put Beethoven's 5th or 9th on the record player or hear it in my head and conduct away. I felt a little suspicious back then about whether actual conductors really knew that much about music or if, like me, they only were pretending to know, only they were pretending better and they had those nice tuxedos and authentic batons to pull it off. I thought at any point they could have, if they'd wanted to, just turned around, faced the audience and yelled out "Suckers!" I'm really sorry to be doubting your ability in a similar way, as I know you have the capacity for great feeling. Perhaps it is me unwilling to take a risk, the risk of being willing to let you conduct me in whatever way you choose to or are inspired to do. It is a little humbling to see that my issues with control and trust are so very far-reaching. And what would I do while you were conducting? How does one behave as they are in the act of being conducted? Would I automatically know what to do? Somehow I doubt air viola or air tuba would be the way to go with this. Maybe I could somehow just embody a whole orchestra inside me and believe that you had all the training necessary to bring something out of me that had never been brought out before,something strange perhaps and a little beautiful- like something presented in one of those TED talks, only more private and sillier. I've decided I'm going to just let you do it and see what happens. I'm going to follow your lead Conductor. I'm capitalizing Conductor on purpose to show you my respectful regard. I'm going to look up at you and follow all your cues. And during it-our symphony or experiment or conversation or whatever it could possibly be called by you or I or anyone; everyone else will see only the back of you. Only I will have the lucky full view of you in all your electric, sweet, and risky glory.
So I was thinking today about whether I would rather conduct or be conducted- not in an electrical way like with copper, but in an orchestral way, like with those batons. Come to think of it, the electrical and the musical do have quite a bit to do with one another- though I'm not sure about train conductors... Either way, my gut feeling, is that I'd rather be conducted than conduct, but only if you were a good conductor, and by good I don't necessarily mean musically proficient. Instead, I mean that you would exercise a great deal of joy and fanfare in your conduction of me. I'd want you to bob your head significantly and wave your arms wildly. I'd want you to sway in a mesmerizing way as well, a little like a flamingo on a day with a breeze. Wow, as a side note, I just realized I've never used the word conduction before. I think it sounds very serious. In any case, if you did conduct me in such a way, I believe I would like it. I think there are probably some youtube videos you could watch in advance to increase your gestural repertoire- that is, if you really had within you the intention to go for this thing I'm suggesting full-throttle. I'm sorry to say this, but I just don't know if you're brave enough to really commit to something so daring and so, come to think of it, perhaps it would make more sense if I were the one to conduct. This is my idea after all. As a child, I pretended to be a conductor quite often, employing pencils from my desk drawer or twigs I found in the forest preserve across the street from the house I grew up in, as batons. I think what was so appealing about doing this was that it was, more or less, a sanctioned way of participating in classical music without having to be a ballerina or having to put in the time and effort required to learn to play an actual musical instrument. I could just put Beethoven's 5th or 9th on the record player or hear it in my head and conduct away. I felt a little suspicious back then about whether actual conductors really knew that much about music or if, like me, they only were pretending to know, only they were pretending better and they had those nice tuxedos and authentic batons to pull it off. I thought at any point they could have, if they'd wanted to, just turned around, faced the audience and yelled out "Suckers!" I'm really sorry to be doubting your ability in a similar way, as I know you have the capacity for great feeling. Perhaps it is me unwilling to take a risk, the risk of being willing to let you conduct me in whatever way you choose to or are inspired to do. It is a little humbling to see that my issues with control and trust are so very far-reaching. And what would I do while you were conducting? How does one behave as they are in the act of being conducted? Would I automatically know what to do? Somehow I doubt air viola or air tuba would be the way to go with this. Maybe I could somehow just embody a whole orchestra inside me and believe that you had all the training necessary to bring something out of me that had never been brought out before,something strange perhaps and a little beautiful- like something presented in one of those TED talks, only more private and sillier. I've decided I'm going to just let you do it and see what happens. I'm going to follow your lead Conductor. I'm capitalizing Conductor on purpose to show you my respectful regard. I'm going to look up at you and follow all your cues. And during it-our symphony or experiment or conversation or whatever it could possibly be called by you or I or anyone; everyone else will see only the back of you. Only I will have the lucky full view of you in all your electric, sweet, and risky glory.
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